It’s that time of week, once again, we are back for another exciting edition of Monday Night RAW! With the surprising events of last week still fresh in everyone’s minds the WWE universe has more questions than ever. Will Brock Lesnar take time away from his How I Met your Mother marathon to appear? Can the Bar serve all the RAW tag teams at once? Will Enzo Amore be able to speak a handful of understandable words? All these questions and more will be answered, for this. Is. Monday. Night. RAW!
Kurt Angle is reintroduced to the Beast Incarnate
RAW GM Kurt Angle is out first to a raucous ovation as it turns out we are live from Angle’s hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He runs down the card for tonight whilst soaking in the love from his hometown crowd. Just as he sets off to leave he is interrupted by…the WWE Universal champion, Broooooccccckkkkkk Lesnarrrrrrrrrrrr, accompanied by Paul Heyman. Heyman cuts a typical Heyman promo on Angle and complains about the fatal 4 way stipulation at Summerslam. He suggests they rename the PPV “Summerslam 2017 the Night Brock Lesnar loses the Universal Championship”. But hold on Heyman raises the stakes, he claims if Brock Lesnar loses the title at Summerslam then he will leave the WWE. Heyman reaffirms that Lesnar will retain at Summerslam before leaving the ring to end the segment.
Author’s notes: This was an ok segment. Angle was short and to the point, hyping up the card for tonight, whereas the always jovial and fantastic Paul Heyman stretched out the segment a little too long. There was no real problem with this except we have almost word for word heard this same promo from Heyman before, the only interesting note was Heyman’s promise that Lesnar will leave WWE if he loses the title at Summerslam.
Match 1: The Hardyz vs The Club
Our inaugural contest is a rematch from 3 weeks ago as the Hardy Boyz seek revenge against Gallows and Anderson collectively known as the Club. The Revival are commentary for this one as the action kicks off. Nothing special here as the match follows the basic status quo of tag matches with the Hardyz taking control as we head to the break but the heels dominating as we come back. Eventually after everyone attempts their finisher moves The Hardy Boyz are able to press L1 nail their Twist of Fate/Swanton Bomb finisher for the win. Post-match all 6 teams brawl on the entrance ramp with the Hardy Boyz coming out on top. The segment ends with Jeff hitting a running plancha onto Gallows and Anderson before the Hardy Boyz celebrate.
Winners: The Hardyz
Author’s notes: Just like every other tag team match involving any of these 3 teams this was a standard tag team match that did nothing to impress. The only exciting part of this segment came after the match was over in the form of a decent post-match brawl.
Match 2: TJP, Tony Nese and Ariya Daivari vs Rich Swann, Cedric Alexander and Akira Tozawa
It’s time already for our Cruiserweight clusterfuck, we have a massive 6 man tag team match between…erm…shit I can’t remember all these names, there’s never this much wasted talent in a ring at once, let’s see there’s Titus O’Neil’s rush hour partner, the guy who got dumped by Alicia Fox, and a happy black lad who isn’t Apollo Crews…or is it? They are taking on…erm the video game nerd, the guy who looks like Neville but isn’t and a rich Persian who may not be Persian. Oh shit the match is over, the winners are the good guys after Rush Hour hit a senton bomb on Gaming nerd. Post-match we get an awesome Titus brand selfie with the winners.
Winners: Akira Tozawa, Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander
Author’s notes: This was another typical high flying and short CW match that only served to put the top contender over (Tozawa) Give these guys more time and an actual storyline and they may produce excellent matches every week…nah Vince would never approve that.
Hell yes! It’s time for Miz TV! Out comes The IC champion The Miz complete with his wife Maryse and his Miztourage Axel and Dallas. His guest for the evening is Kurt Angle’s long lost black son Jason Jordan! He comes out to new entrance music and an almost dead crowd. Miz and Jordan have a fairly nice conversation before Miz reveals his ulterior motive, he asks Jordan to join the Miztourage who promptly rejects the invitation. Miz is not happy about this, he brings up Jordan being handed everything now by his new daddy but Jordan takes offence. Jesus I’m just noticing how yellow his bottom teeth are, ew. Miz insults Angle for a bit until things get heated. Miz calms his Miztourage down but tries a cheap shot which is reversed by Jordan who hits him with an overhead belly to belly into the Miztourage to close the segment.
Author’s notes: Well this sucked. The crowd clearly doesn’t care about Jordan, not that it’s Jordan’s fault but he is being hot-shotted straight to a potential title shot and win without spending time connecting with the audience. Even Miz, with his charismatic personality, couldn’t save this segment. Jordan is wooden on the mic and has the personality of that flat bit of coke at the end of the can.
Match 3: Seth Rollins vs Sheamus
Up next we have Ol Wonky knee himself Seth Rollins taking on one half of the Bar, Sheamus, this came about due to an earlier backstage altercation between Rollins and The Bar. Rollins controls the action early on before a distraction by Cesaro allows Sheamus to throw him shoulder first into the barricade as we go to the break. We come back and Sheamus has control until Rollins begins his comeback, he hits a few signature moves before knocking Cesaro off the apron and rolling up Sheamus for the surprise win. Post-match the Bar double team Ol Wonky Knee…oh for fuck’s sake, the charisma hoover Dean Ambrose runs out…and is immediately battered by the Bar as well. The Bar continue serving up a beat down before finally walking away.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Author’s notes: This was a short pretty shit match actually, which is surprising as I expected so much more from the two of them. This feud makes no sense, WWE have just decided fuck it, we’ll have the shield challenge for the tag titles at Summerslam even though they’ve been feuding with the Miztourage for weeks whilst three actual tag teams have been feuding for a tag title match. Doesn’t make sense. Oh wait yes it does this is WWE, fuck logic.
Bray Wyatt challenges Finn Balor
Oh come on! We just had the charisma hoover know we have the one thousandth Bray Wyatt bullshit promo? Well that’s just what it was. Blah blah blah I’m the eater if worlds. Blah blah blah Finn Balor. Blah blah come out here. The lights go out and Finn appears in the ring, Wyatt having expected this laughs and grabs his shoulder but Balor hits a Pele kick on Wyatt to end the segment.
Author’s notes: I really don’t care. Just have your feud and be done with it.
Match 4: Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Braun Strowman
Here we go. What should be the main event for Summerslam is being wasted on free television. The three challengers to Lesnar’s title battle in this sub main event for Monday Night RAW! Strowman clears house to start and we go to the break. Cheers. We come back to find Joe and Roman fighting with Braun nowhere to be soon. Fucking cheers mate. The action is hard hitting and every man looks dominate, Joe chokes out Strowman on the outside near the time keeper’s area before Roman breaks it up…for some reason. Joe regains control and kicks more arse before Roman gets his second wind and batters him for a bit before nailing a superman punch to take him out of the picture. Strowman comes back and batters both of them before he throws the ring steps…well into the ring. Joe thwarts this and takes out Strowman. Joe attempts a coquina clutch but Braun is back and hits a running power slam on Joe which Roman breaks up at two. This match is awesome. Reigns eventually takes out Braun with the steel steps and hits a spear on Joe to finally win the match.
Winner: Roman Reigns
Author’s notes: Wow. This was too good a match to waste in RAW. This was PPV worthy. This should’ve been the main event of Summerslam but fuck it I’m too happy with this match to care. Every man looked strong and dominate but Roman looked the strongest and got the win. Which is code for him not winning at Summerslam.
Match 5: Elias vs Kalisto
Once again it is time to walk with Elias! He serenades the unappreciative WWE universe before he is rudely interrupted by Kalisto…shit forgot he was on RAW. For some reason Elias has forgotten his last name but that’s fine as we get treated to another dominating performance by the man as he gets the win after hitting the Encore.
Author’s notes: Week after week Elias gets better in the ring, each week he gets better at serenading the WWE universe, and each week he looks like someone with a bright future. Let’s hope WWE doesn’t mess this up. Oh and turns out Kalisto still works here. That’s nice.
Match 6: Bayley vs Nia Jax
At last we get our women’s contest for the evening as Bayley the Chin takes on The Rock’s cousin, Nia Jax. As usual, it’s the big (wo)man vs the little (wo)man match as Nia dominates. The much smaller Bayley tries to topple the behemoth. Eventually, Bayley knocks Nia out of the ring and goes after her, Alexa attempts to interfere but is stopped by Bayley who then dodges Nia as she rams into the steel steps. Bayley by the skin of her chin rolls into the ring just in time to get the count out win.
Winner via Count-Out: Bayley
Author’s notes: This was yet another match that happened. Bayley got the much needed win whilst Nia looked strong in defeat. Except we’ve already seen Nia lose clean several times this year to both Bayley and Sasha Banks, so what are they protecting? Oh and Alexa Bliss was there so 10/10.
Main event: Big Cass vs Big Show
It’s time for our main event as Big Show takes on Big Cass in a match where the loser must give up the word “Big” in their name. Ok, not really but that’s a better reason that what we actually got for having this match. And once again we get another incoherent Enzo Amore promo in which he spouts a load of nonsensical verbal bullshit before the actual wrestlers come out. Big Show attacks Cass to start things off and now we get treated to a seven foot slug fest. Big Show dominates and calls for a chokeslam but is stopped by Cass who targets his knee, which is every tall wrestler’s Achilles heel. Cass works over the leg for a bit until Show starts his comeback which is cut short by Cass booting Show full force in the face. Annnnnd Enzo attacks Cass to draw the disqualification. Cass instantly boots Enzo away but runs into a KO punch from Show to end the night
Winner via DQ: Big Cass
Author’s notes: I really hope this is not the best these two have to offer together. The match was a 9 minute shit fest with way too much time spent working over a man’s leg. I really want this feud to end. Enzo vs Cass was boring but Cass vs Enzo and Big Show is 100 times worse. The three man have no chemistry with each other in ring wise and Enzo’s promos are worse than Bray Wyatt’s. In fact I will not complain about another Bray Wyatt promo again if this feud ends after Summerslam.
Final thoughts: This was an okay episode of RAW. Despite the copious amounts of filler we were treated to one amazing match and one or two ok performances by certain individuals. Those being Elias and Titus O’Neil, despite the latter doing nothing more than take a selfie but fuck it that’s the bar that was set tonight. All in all this was what I was in terms of RAW. Well until next time we leave with more questions than answers. This has been Monday Night RAW.