The RAW Review 07 Aug 2017

It’s that time of week once again, we are back for another exciting edition of Monday Night RAW! With the surprising events of last week still fresh in everyone’s minds the WWE universe has more questions than ever. Will Braun Strowman ever finish with Roman Reigns? Can Dean Ambrose go one week without sucking the charisma out of the room? Will Enzo Amore ever fuck off? All these questions and more will be answered, for this. Is. Monday. Night. RAW!

Miz TV

We kick off the night with…oh fuck yes! It’s Miz TV! The Miz is in the ring with his beautiful wife Maryse and his Miztourage, Miz expresses his anger at being attacked last week by Jason Jordan and proceeds to call him out. But what’s this? It’s not Jason Jordan but his dad! Raw GM Kurt Angle. He tells Miz that Jason is busy preparing for his match with Miztourage member Curtis Axel. But wait, Angle has an even better guest lined up for the Miz. Holy shit its Universal champion Brock Lesnar! Miz doesn’t even let Heyman get a word in, as Miz berates Lesnar whilst he cowers behind his Miztourage. After a few minutes of verbal abuse Heyman gets the mic, he suggests they roleplay with Miz and the Miztourage playing the parts of Reigns, Strowman and Joe. Lesnar then proceeds to absolutely annihilate the three men with suplexes and F5’s to end the segment.

Author’s notes: Ok as much as I love the Miz, this segment was a bit shit. He was excellent on the mic but what he was saying was pure bullshit, Lesnar beating up all three men, however improved the segment somewhat but not by a lot.

Match 1: Sheamus vs Seth Rollins

Our inaugural contest of the evening is rematch from last week between Ol Wonky Knee Seth Rollins and one half of the Raw tag team champions Sheamus. Rollins starts off hot beating on Sheamus for a few minutes until Sheamus is able to turn the tides in his favour with a scoop slam on the ring apron as we go to break. We come back and Sheamus is still in control, this continues for several minutes until Rollins begins his comeback. But a distraction from Cesaro proves to be Rollins undoing as Sheamus is able to roll up Rollins for the surprise win. Post-match Rollins attacks the Bar but is overpowered by the two men. Gee I wonder if anyone will come out to help him. Oh never mind nobody does, they beat on Rollins and leave the ring. Cool.

Winner: Sheamus

Author’s notes: This was a nothing match. Compared to least weeks match this was considerably weaker and shorter. Didn’t help that it had the exact same finish as well. Cesaro distraction that leads to a roll up. The only minor talking point is how Ambrose didn’t come out to assist Rollins but who actually cares at this point.

Match 2: Jason Jordan vs (not Curtis Axel)

Jason Jordan is out for his match and gets…no reaction, wow if you wanted a perfect recording of his theme music now is the time. Backstage a medical examiner informs Angle that Axel is unable to compete tonight after the attack by Lesnar, so Angle sends out a random hometown jobber who gets an actual reaction from the WWE audience. Jordan dominates this squash match and pins him after a popup neckbreaker.

Winner: Jason Jordan

Author’s notes: This was a match that happened. From the audience’s reaction it think it’s clear that the Jason Jordan experiment is almost dead in the water, they even cheered the jobber when he got a few punches in.

Bayley addresses her injury

Out next is Bayley with her arm in a sling. Turns out that Nia Jax injured her last week in their match, separating her shoulder as a result. This means that Summerslam is now chinless! Chinsuke Nakamura is no longer wrestling at the biggest event of the summer! Bayley talks for a bit giving the usual disappointed babyface promo before endorsing Sasha Banks to be the next number one contender.

Author’s notes: Well this was surprising but the injury aside Bayley cut probably her best promo to date, even if it was a by the books feeling bad promo.

Match 3: 1st number one contenders match: Sasha Banks vs Alicia Fox vs Emma

Up next is the first of two triple threat matches to determine the number one contender for Alexa Bliss’s title at Summerslam, they never explained whether both winners face Bliss or if the two winners face off. I’m totally confused. The three women actually put on an ok match. Emma and Alicia Fox do the majority of the wrestling which is nice because they never get a chance to showcase their talents, and it would be so nice to have some fresh blood in the title picture…never mind Sasha Banks wins after making Emma tap out to the Banks statement.

Winner: Sasha Banks

Author’s notes: Fuck off. So we lose a chin and gain a forehead? WWE creative is the most uncreative group of people in the world. And you just know for a fact that Nia is gonna win later on tonight and lead to a triple threat match with Bliss at Summerslam. Oh and Emma had to be the one to tap out because she has no last name. Cheers.

Match 4: Enzo Amore and Big Show vs The Good Brothers

We come back from the break and out comes…for fuck sake it’s Enzo Amore. He introduces Big Show and the two chat for a bit. But wait, from the back comes their opponents, the Good Brothers Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, who say what we all are thinking and call Enzo a Nerd. Enzo can apparently make his own matches now as he calls for ref who comes out and now we have a match…great. Big Cass distracts Show and Enzo as Gallows and Anderson take advantage and hit magic killer for the win. Post-match Cass tires to attack Big Show but is blind sighted by Enzo and then knocked out by Big Show. Ok.

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson

Author’s notes: Please. Please just let this feud die. It is painful to watch. I stand by what I said last week, I will not complain about another Bray Wyatt promo again if this feud ends after Summerslam.

Finn Balor confronts Bray Wyatt

Up next we have the demon king Finn Balor who is out to talk about the eater of worlds Bray Wyatt. Balor calls out Wyatt whose music plays as the lights go out. They come back on and Wyatt is in the ring, but he gets battered by Finn as the lights go out again. They come back on and Bray is gone again and somehow cuts a promo from backstage.

Author’s notes: Skip.

Match 5: Cesaro vs Dean Ambrose

Out next match is between the other half of the tag team champions Cesaro and the charisma hoover himself Dean Ambrose. The two have a pretty boring match that starts with 3 minutes of rest holds as we go to break. After the break the two wrestle each other a bit I guess, wow this match goes on a while. If I actually cared about Dean Ambrose I might actually like this long mediocre match. After what seems like an eternity Ambrose rolls up Cesaro for the win. Post-match Shesaro attack Ambrose, but lucky for him Ol Wonky Knee is out to save him. Afterwards Ambrose offers up a Shield fist bump, but Rollins rejects him and walks off. Ok then.

Winner: Dean Ambrose

Author’s notes: I don’t care whatever anyone else says, this match bored the shit out of me. It was way too long and wasn’t even that good. Some wrestlers just don’t mesh that well together and it’s clear that these two don’t. Oh and Rollins didn’t fist bump Ambrose because reasons? Or they’re waiting for Summerslam to do it.

Match 6: Akira Tozawa vs Ariya Daivari

Our Cruiserweight Flippity Midget match of the evening is a rematch from last week’s 205 live. It’s Rush Hour vs the rich Persian who may not be Persian. Rush Hour wins after a top rope Senton.

Winner: Akira Tozawa

Author’s notes: If you want to know what happened in this match just watch last week’s 205 live.

Match 7: 2nd number one contenders match: Nia Jax vs Mickie James vs Dana Brooke

It’s time for our second women’s contest of the evening, its Nia Jax vs Mickie James vs Dana Brooke. Hmmm I wonder if Nia is going to win. And Nia wins after hitting a running leg drop. Her hips are gonna be fucked when she’s 40.

Winner: Nia Jax

Author’s notes: Yeah was there any doubt who was gonna win? No? Ok moving on. Oh wait they tell us after the match that Nia now faces Forehead next week where the winner faces Bliss at Summerslam. So it won’t be a triple threat then.

Main event: Last man standing match: Braun Strowman vs Roman Reigns

Ok, here it is, it’s time for the henchest main event in RAW history! Braun Strowman vs Roman Reigns in a last man standing match!!! Here we go let’s do thi…WOW what a match!!! That was amazing! Such a good main event with an awesome finish. I couldn’t even type about it, this was so Hench!

Winner: Braun Strowman

Author’s notes: No words. No words.

Final Thoughts: This was an ok episode of RAW. Despite the copious amounts of filler we were treated to one amazing match and one or two ok performances by certain individuals. Those being Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman. All in all this was what I was in terms of RAW. Well until next time we leave with more questions than answers. This has been Monday Night RAW.

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